Becoming, Unbecoming, Healing and Finding Bodhichitta
There was a moment, when it all felt like it was coming together. A new vista appeared; spring blossoms, rolling green hills, sparkling blue skies, the warmth of the sun penetrating deep into my bones. I had turned a corner on the yellow brick road. My ruby red slippers felt solid beneath my feet, supportive and resilient. Dreamscaping (planting the seeds of possibility, that with the proper care and nurturing, would root extraordinary realities of tomorrow) slowly, but surely, coming into focus as a commitment to coming home to myself. I felt present, committed, and hopeful in the process of Becoming.
And then, “reality” set in. The spaciousness dissolved. Time seemed to contract around me, dense and rigid. Was I doing enough? Am I meant to be alone? Am I cut out to be an entrepreneur? Where would I find new clients? Am I marketing the ‘right way’? Is this way of life sustainable for a single mom? And on and on…I went from being rooted in hope (hope = agency + choice + pathways) to sensing the ground give way beneath my feet. I felt burdened, succumbing to the cloak of doubt, fear, and shame shrouding the voice of my inner Knowing.
Pema Chodron writes about that Knowing, the tender place of awareness that is bodhichitta (completely open heart and mind, compassion, an innate ability to love and care) as tapping into a spring of living water that has been temporarily encased in solid rock.* Bodhichitta, like an open sky undiminished by clouds that move across, is always there for us, available and abundant in our essence. She describes a teaching called three lords of materialism that supports the unlocking of bodhichitta, the path towards Becoming. They are:
Lord of Form – how we look externally for validation and security; how we escape by doing (shopping, eating, reading, numbing) to fill the space of suffering, only to create the conditions for greater suffering.
Lord of Speech – how we use beliefs to create an illusion of certainty about the nature of reality (maya).
Lord of Mind – how we attempt to avoid uneasiness by seeking altered states of mind (meditation, sports, substances, falling in love) to free us from mundane states of existence; it’s not the state itself, it’s how we cling to it as an addiction rather than integrating the highs and lows with equanimity.
These strategies of ego give us the illusion of comfort and ease in ways that strengthen our fears rather than recognizing that Becoming is a not-quite-there-yet journey, an aspiration, a way of being and evolving. It is less doing or sustaining tense action, more an acceptance and tenderness.
I am beginning to understand the process of becoming as akin to the process of healing. We are always leaning towards becoming, just as we our bodies are always leaning towards healing -- towards becoming whole. It’s a natural immune response. The question lies in how much space we create for these processes – how intentional we are, how we nurture ourselves in the process, how we lean into the riskiness of truly feeling the feelings and sitting in the spaces of discomfort, and even suffering. What is our relationship to these threshold spaces of possibility, uncertainty? Are we struck down by anxiety of the unknowable? Or, do we marvel in awe at what might be?
Part of becoming and healing is the process of unbecoming – an unlearning as well as an unraveling. Unbecoming might feel as soft as the flutter of spring flowers floating down on the wings of a light breeze or as heavy as the din of a thunderstorm threatening to drench the world in darkness. In both cases, it is a precious moment that requires presence to fully appreciate and integrate. In practice, I’m experiencing it as:
Form – Rooting myself in my values rather than external markers of success. For example, success of marketing and business development are ‘measured’ as cultivated connections rather than pitches and proposals. It’s about weaving the fabric of community, and faith in abundance & value of this work, rather than a transactional marker of capitalism. Clearly, this is not how this world turns, so there is great risk in taking the road less traveled by.
Speech - Curiously, political correctness (a practice I learned well at Cal!) is often used as a binary – a way to feel right while making someone else wrong – that offers a sense of certainty in the face of uncertainty. Unfortunately, it only serves to ‘other’ more deeply, deepening the chasms of ego between us rather than bridging divides of politicized identities. I’m leaning into curiosity rather than correctness.
Mind – Awareness of the role that Netflix and wine play in my life. Both offer me escape and enjoyment…and both can take me to a place of numbing rather than experiencing whatever I am feeling. I’m trying not to resist, lock the door and say never. Rather, I am inviting in the fears, offering them chai, and asking them to stay as long as they like -- in the back room, where I am not engaging them at the moment.
These practices of unbecoming are chipping away at the solid rock of burden and fear, making way for the trickle of bodhichitta to wash through me, allowing me to flow with the river of joy. Stepping into the light of who I am, who I am meant to be, is disorienting to be sure, and it is healing. There is no end in sight, but the path towards becoming feels open once again. Whether the yellow brick road takes me to Emerald City or not, I am sure it is taking me home. For now, that is enough.
*Language, definitions, and framework adapted from Pema Chodron’s book, the places that scare you. Her books are absolutely enlightening!
The real work is to become incrementally more free.
To slowly awaken to life, to metabolize the sting left in you,
to recognize the feeling you crave is not a hope, not a high, not an acquisition,
but to live in the light of who you really are, in ways both simple and divine
- Brianna Wiest
