Mental Meanderings – Doubt, Faith, & Crossroads
Distraction doesn’t quite capture it. I’ve been in a swirl of energy for the last several weeks…lots of ideas and possibilities, a slower pace, a spacious fog; all too vague to make clear sense of. Not quite unsettled in my mind and body, and yet not focused or grounded either. So, I invite you to join me while I explore the contours of my mental meandering*:
I recently described how I’ve pitched a tent at a crossroads, first to allow myself space and time before rushing into any decisions, now perhaps I remain lingering in indecision. To be clear, the stuckness I am feeling is not sticky-yucky. It’s less fly-in-honey and more the freedom to play hide-and-seek in the darkness of a stage free, unseen, and unjudged, disconnected to the performance onstage. **
In yogic tradition, this stuckness is often referred to as Doubt or the “paralyzing affliction”. It’s less about skepticism (healthy or otherwise) and more about being caught between two contradictory propositions, unable to assent to either. In the Bhagavad Gita, speaking to the outward manifestation of inner struggle, Krishna states “Doubt afflicts the person who lacks faith and can ultimately destroy him”.
Ouch, sounds like I need to pack up the tent and chose a path…
But … is it just about forward motion and making a decision? Our capitalist culture seems to say yes -- keep moving, make progress, be productive. Yet, at what cost? What’s the point of that movement (keep in mind that hamster wheels count as movement) if certitude, absolute certainty as to truth, is missing? Might we be better served if we slowed down enough to take stock of our own inner struggle to ascertain our truth before stepping into action, resulting in a series of cause-and-effects that ripple far and wide?
Which leads me to Faith -- complete trust or belief, in a person, idea, God; an innate and powerful Knowing. At some level, my faith is unflappable. In God, in myself, in the knowledge that I am living closer and closer to my purpose, my dharma. Where I stray is in fully understanding my dharma. What is my unique vocation, my sacred duty, my Truth? I see glimmers of it at times, and then it disappears. I know it is not what I grew up being told – be a martyr mother, a faithful wife, a loyal daughter. Those are cultural constructs anchored in misogyny and patriarchy. Rather, it has to be rooted in compassion, belonging, care, and connection. It has to be enacted in service of healing and justice. Though not quite there yet, I am getting closer, in that I have faith.
Maybe I’ll hang out at this crossroads a bit longer, not rushing to pick a road that someone else has defined as right, productive, or progress. I have faith that when the time is right, the fog will clear and I will Know in my mind, body, and soul which path I must forge for myself. Until then, I will play with wonder, marvel at sunsets and spring, and practice listening and learning.
If you find yourself at a similar crossroads, pull up a seat and share some wine with me. There’s room enough for all of us. I can’t wait to share a toast with you as we wonder and wander together!
*I’m defining meandering as a powerful and creative, opening up space for positive possibility vs mental wandering which tends to be connoted with poor attention control, negative ruminations, and distraction as a deficit.
**I’m really avoiding the spotlight on this stage…perhaps the fear of judgement, aversion to the performative piece, and/or not being quite ready to stand in the full glory of my own power…
***I’ve just started reading The Great Work of Your Life by Stephen Cope. Definitely inspiration for my musings around dharma, doubt and faith.
Mental meandering and personal experimentation are sources of power, and head starts are overrated ― David Epstein
