I Am…
A work in progress
I have spent the last few weeks feeling stuck. A familiar feeling resulting from attachment to a process I didn’t realize I had put in place. I was unable to write the blog that is supposed to seed the idea for an email that is a must to frame and launch a coaching project (which, of course, is THE way to move forward in offering my coaching services). That’s the formula, and it must be followed. Stuck, with too many ideas and no clear coherent content & approach that would resonate with everyone (ah, the assumption that there is an everyone out there sitting in the cheap seats just waiting to anoint me a success or boo me out of the arena!). No single perfect idea to fit the one singular-clearly-right approach to launching this work.
Screech. Hit the brakes. I thought I was past perfectionism! I thought I had moved beyond the achievement and worthiness critic telling me “there is only one right way” and “clearly I am not good enough to get it right so I might as well give up”! I thought I was ‘better than this’ …. else how could I possibly hold space and coach others when I hadn’t figured it all out, and become an expert-enlightened-soul to show others the way?!?!
Yeesh, that’s exactly what I am not. And will never be. It’s not what I am aiming for. Nor “should” I. I will always be right where I am. Soham. In the present moment, fully & completely. And that is enough. It always has been and always will be… as the veil of mist rises, I am seeing that more and more clearly.
I’m a work in progress. With nicks and scrapes and oh so many cracks to let the light shine through. I’m saying it, I’m owning it, I’m loving on it. In this lifetime and for at least a few more lifetimes to come, I’ll be an exquisite work in progress.
Artist
I never thought of myself as an artist, let alone a creative. I have always prided myself on being a thinker. Analytical. Logical. Intellectual. Insightful. Academic. A pragmatic idealist, a doer.
I am learning that the art of coaching, of facilitating change, of healing is…. creative. Yes, grounded in science and data and logic and evidence and all that good stuff…. AND, the art is the magic: acceptance & surrender to intuition, mystery, wonder, possibility, awe, love & compassion, EQ and PQ; it’s about inherent Knowing and knowledge that has been passed down through generations in every ancient culture. The very knowledge that often gets poo-poo’ed by modern western generations (including me for a long time) that find it antiquated and backwards.
Being an artist means I must learn to work differently. Move through the world differently. Tuning into multiple senses to broaden my range of perception and perspective. Pausing in the moment to fully sense all that may be unfolding. Listening and receiving beyond words and language to what is being shared in and with energy and spirit. Focusing on the unfolding of an idea rather than a categorical practice of filling a container because someone said it had to be.
Who am I? I am a soulful artist, a creative.
- x - x -
I realize that the arc of the universe of change is long and I may still be in this chrysalis years from now. Perhaps it’s not about becoming the butterfly or getting to the other side. Maybe it is just about fully immersing in the here and now -- in the dissolution, and letting go of what once was, once served, once was heralded by me as success and achievement. In the acceptance of what is. In the openness to receive what may be, is not yet, and could be.
One day the sun admitted,
I am just a shadow.
I wish I could show you
The Infinite Incandescence
That has cast my brilliant image!
I wish I could show you
When you are lonely or in the darkness,
The Astonishing Light
Of your own Being!
~Hafiz
