Face Down. In the Arena.
I blew it with my kids – literally the afterschool special of “how not to have a productive-empathetic-connected conversation with your children.” Shame, blame, and disconnection won the day. Body language, word choice, approach…. and ouch, the deep hurt and harm my words caused. I was not clear in what I wanted to convey (I thought I was helping them sort through their stuff when in fact it was me needing to address my own guilt and lack of clear boundaries). I plowed forward even when I knew I wasn’t breathing fully. I let shame take center stage, like a conductor leading an orchestra of defensiveness, guilt trips, blame, anger, and resentment.
Face down. In the arena.
Story – each of the realities we experienced was our own, but my role caused outsized harm. My story is deeply rooted in my own narratives around parenting, being good enough, shame, and (dis-)respect. There will be a lot of therapy in my children’s future.
Edge – those triggers blew the veil off every sharp, twisted, oh-so-rigid edge related to what I believe it means to be a mom, an adult, a worthy human.
Breathe – inhale, exhale - start again. A chance to undo the damage and begin the repair and connection process.
***
During the holidays, our culture spends a lot of time reifying tradition, ritual, and a sense of what “home” is supposed to mean. Makes the expectations, loneliness, and ruminations on what could-have-been even harder. This Thanksgiving was another first. Not in California. Without my parents. No turkey. I did not cook a single thing.
Story – I am guilty of abandoning traditions and memories of my family’s togetherness that could have shaped my children’s ‘happy childhood’. I’ve lost control over a holiday that used to mean so much to me in terms of bringing family together. I’m screwing it all up for my kids.
Edge – I must question my relationship with family, home, tradition, childhood, memory, control, and perhaps even turkey. There is no solid ground under my feet.
Breathe – the blessings. I was with my kids. My ex- hosted his first extended family meal at his house, with my family in attendance. We laughed. We ate. We made memories of a new construct of family that I could never have imagined for myself. And I enjoyed it.
***
While it is not humanly possible, I have tried to engineer the risk and uncertainty out of vulnerability. I believed I could outsmart the threat of being fully seen & known if I stayed in the wings instead of stepping into the spotlight, into the full and audacious possibility of my Self. If I said the right words, performed my work just so, and made sure the “show went on”, I would still be seen as successful. Eek, the irony of wanting to hide my Self while also being seen as a stellar performer!
Story – there is safety in not dreaming & allowing the unimaginable to take hold. It is possible to put on a good show without losing oneSelf.
Edge – I’ve been so focused of the taking the next best step. I have gotten stuck in a flashlight path and haven’t allowed myself to look up and out towards the horizon. I’m missing out on the awe of every sunrise, sunset, and shifting cloud in the sky. I haven’t let myself imagine boldly what might be. I haven’t given voice or vision to all that is magical & wondrous & possible.
Breathe - The next things in my life already exist. It’s up to me to breathe life and shape and form into them. Whatever fortification or answers I am waiting for are already in me. The question is, do I have the courage to step out of my own shadows? Will I take the stage, spotlight and all? Am I ready to enter the arena again, even if it means falling face down?
***
Story. Edge. Breathe.
Wobbles and missteps. Thank you. A chance to begin again.
Breathe.
Let it go.
Watch the
sky take it.
Be emptied.
This vast
new space
will bloom
in your being
opening in
the future
like a flower.
- Victoria Erickson
